Better left in the Dark

We know sometimes between a couple that certain things are better left unknown. Cause the chances are it will keep bothering the other person n one day it might just trigger off something unwanted for something that has past n definitely will not or at least unlikely going to happen again in some cases. We all know these kind of stories.

I dont really mean to discuss on that. Everyone has a set of value to themselves and view on such so called "grey lies". I didnt call it white as the intention cant be said as totally innocent and 'protecting' the other. So hence, grey. or Not so white.

I am just merely doing a comparison of how the brain function, between knowing and not. Since monday, whenever i wake up qith my back feeling uncomfortable. It no longer translate to, must be the bed, i didnt sleep well yeterday night or did i over exercise this morning.. Rather, " so thats why i always felt that these whole year.." n then sily thoughts starts spinning again and my mind go through the virtual operation and all the possibe out comes from it. Pretty drama and ur brain actually works real fast, like a zillion thoughts in one second... Now a small backache just dont feel the same anymore.. In fact i find myself keep touching the back, as if i will feel a bone sticking out any minute.. Haa.. getting paranoid..

The only lucky thing is from the front it is totally not obvious. Even when i am topless, it doesnt look like my entire frame is skewed. Lucky in the sense can still kao zai.. But in a way, thats prob why it didnt draw much attention all these years, even from myself. Cause i cant see myself from the back.. Shucks, now i wish i had a bf whom during intimacy would ask, "baby, how come ur back looks weird, u sure u dun need a doc?" Then i say, "Oo, okay lo.. i go see tmr.." and smile sweetly back.. (the obey-bf feature turned on)

I shud hav started seeing guys since 15.... O well..

35,000

I went to an orthopaedic today, it was kinda a cheapskate mentality that ahh, since insurance covrs that, why not? I knew i hav scoliosis all these while, but its just that our family doctor in Ipoh has more than once assured my mom its not something to worry since i past puberty n things r pretty much "in placea", cant get better cant get worse.. So it was like a see wat the pro has to say expectation.. in fact i was expecting it to be comforting n reassuring..

But well, I guess life is always interesting because u cant expect everything to go ur way..

After a 150 bucks x-ray, (in fact come to think of it the radiographer looked at the film, then came to feel my back and kinda had a "yea, no wonder" expression) the doctor was showing me the shot. Even a layman like me can tell, it looks bad. The doctor was really kind.. he didnt use that word until i promtpted him from his reaction..

Basically, the backbone has this part that's curved at about 67 degree. Normal is zero. And surgery is recommended for those abouve the range of 50-60. Which means I fall outside the "ambiguous" range, I need one. Because of it worsen to like above 70, it seems that its gonna affect my heart or lung. But the doctor just said he didn't want to straight away recommend surgery although that's pretty much the only remedy. He has shown me the powerpoint of current surgery developement where it is possible to recover from like 54 degree to 17, from an example. But for my case, it is probably estimated at 50% recovery only. Cause for one thing, i am pretty much grown.

At this point, i was kinda worry... but since there is still a chance to recover it don't sound so bad. So i asked how much it's gonna cost. n yup... around SGD35,000. A bomb as the doctor calls it...

It was quite fortunate that all these years our family despite having financial problems, it was not so much of life threatening or dead urgent. Thus, i know we r not rich, but neither hav we been in a situation that we need money badly. But this time... I am a little worry... Prob more...

***

Probably something positive is maybe I will grow taller if i really get to do the surgery. Cause the curve looked really bad and if it gets straighten it means i gain height right? Furthermore, when i ask the doctor if i can gym, he kinda say no weight training, it will make u "shorter" ... Thanks Doc... So the reverse apply i guess?

If i really get the money...

12-Hour

Another long day in office... it is not like I am busy or wat, but the meetings scheduling and odd training hours clocked up to another 12 hour straight in office...

Brain dead, too tired to think so just sharing this song that accompany me to sleep....

***

Dont see how the video and song links kinda feel it was crap, but yet the song is so nice...



"I am not a perfect person..."

I am not a perfect person.

...

A: ...right?

B: Ok..

A: You sure you okay?

B: ...


***********

Ever encounter such ... (speechless) moments? When you feel there is nothing more to be said, or there is no word that you feel can express your feelings?

What would you do or say, or how would you react when that happens?

Stare at him? Turn and walk away? Breakdown and cry? Or just do nothing and wait for him to act first, see if he feels guilty and make up for it?

For me, I guess I will just end it with a..

"Thanks."

***********

Nope, not lady gaga's speechless, cause I posted that not too long ago... Probably something lighter that's more optimistic...



Another singer that's really charming, but not the kind i consider marrying.. I am still JJ's...

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

I came across this funny article somewhere and decided to share it. Its an email chain and kinda long but if you need a break, do have a read...

********************

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

______________________________________

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



______________________________________

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.


***********************************

Designers will be designers, they just cant go with something "normal" or looking at it another way, it was intentional to act bimbotic when someone is pushing... but whichever it is, it was a good laugh for me...

The author of this is David Thorne, you can see more of these stuffs at 27bSLASH6

The 101th Love

"一百次相愛只要有一次的絢爛 下一次會更勇敢"

"If there is one beautiful encounter in 100 of your love encounters, you will be more courageous for the next one"



*******************

Rejections, lies, dissapointments, lost of interest... There are bound to different challenges that brings doubt and even chaos into a relationship.

But no matter how bad it becomes eventually, there is always that moment in the relationship where you know he has given whole heartedly to you, made you smile with something silly he said, or made you cry for something touching he did.

Maybe that's indeed what keep us believing there is always a suitable person somewhere there for us to meet. All it takes, is a right time and place, with the right person in our life.

Never give up...

The Power of Love

Ask: What do you seek?

Ans: Relationship

Ask: Why?

Ans: Because I dont want to live a life alone.

Ask: So you are not independent?

Ans: I don't depend on my other half. I want to share with him my life.

A typical question you get from gay social network sites or places like Grindr. The older i grew, the more certain my answer is...

****************

I have recently came across a blog entry that touches me. The blogger says he will be emo for 6 months and the bf say he will too then.

It is just a simple reply, but it implies that he will not be alone to go through this. There will always be someone there by him.

Lots of times, what we seek is not any physical or monetary support. This things are still achievable by hook or by crook. But what really keeps us going is a will power and it is especiallly valuable when we are at our most depress moment, there is this someone there to keep you going and not giving up.

Fun or ONS is easy to seek. The hardest thing to find is probably a soulmate who supports you endlessly, giving you the will power to keep going when you feel it is the end.

**********

Celine Dion says: Sometimes I am frighten but I'm ready to learn...



...of the power of love....

I know, but I like it better from You

What should you do when you are sick?

-rest more
-drink lots of water
-avoid heaty stuffs
-don't worn yourself out, e.g. excessive exercise, sex etc..
..
..

and so on..

I guess we prob knew this like since primary one, i mean we all fall sick before and either mom or the doctor would tell you general stuffs like that. I am pretty sure you know them.

But, having that said, whenever your bf or someone you fancy tells you these stuffs when u r sick, is ur response say,

*obediently answer: "Oorh.. I will" and smile sweetly. As if u have no idea thats what u shud do and the information was so helpful.

Well, at least that applies to me, i always enjoy it when my ex tell me through the phone or in a text. Its like half healed, just looking at it..

It is really the concerns from the person that matters, not so much of the content. Of course if ur other half is a doctor maybe the content will be quite substantive too but still, the feeling is same. Someone knows u r sick, and he cares. And in a way, we prob also want to show that we r happily obeying. Being good.

Okay, i should really start up my gbay.com and trade bfs.. I am sure many singles would need 7-day-care-when-u-are-sick service.

Sick Break

Finally, after close to 6 months, i was back at home again.

I once saw on TV some psychologist saying that nature is the best place to heal. Because the serenity and calmness resembles the womb, a place where we came from. I guess my home in a small town has a similar effect, especially contrasting the busy life in a big city.

Thus, last week when my throat condition got really bad, i decided to take a break, and go home. No matter how long you have left it, it will forever be the most comfortable and familiar place in the world. Home. I only wish i could hav a longer break..

********************


Can i mail order a bf like that? or rent? Sure feels comforting to have one when u feel unwell..

Hearty Breakfast

I guess I must be coughing really bad, cause when I woke up, I saw an sms from my landlord about an hour ago,

"Ah boy r u home? Not feeling well huh? u need me to buy dinner for u?"

As i really dun feel like eating, so i just replied saying thanks but kinda like no appetite at the moment.

Then later i went out to wash up and bump into him, but i could barely speak due to the lost of voice so he just asked me to drink more water.

Later on, as I was changing in my room, there is a knock on the door, then he came in holding this,

-A ham and cheese sandwich and "Pei Pa Gou" drink.

He said, "You are sick, must eat something."

Gosh, that was so sweet and warm of him... It was one of the most hearty breakfast I ever had...

I heart my Landlord... Muacks!

I heart Malaysian

Boys, more specifically gay boys..

It was quite honored that my weekend getaway was hosted by Mr.Tuls and his Bubu, and of course Lucifer... eventhough it was the firt time meeting all of them in person, it didnt take much effort to blend in and the short trip was really awesome.

I once blogged about KL guys seems more approcable and down to earth compare to guys here.. Meeting then has once again proven my belief...

Gosh, now i kinda regret not doing my Uni in KL. Else some part of my life will prob be more interesting. I guess u gain some, u loose some. But this some is something i really rather not loose...


I heart Malaysian boys. I totally do now ...

**********

Next time, I will be able to do this song, and all others. Next time! =)

Weekend Getaway

The last time i had been out of this little island was the CNY holiday with my family to Bangkok. Then all the way, work, classes, dinner, movies, work, claases, dinner, movies, weekend work, dinner, work, classes, dinner, clubs, work, classes, weekend work and so on...

For almost 3 solid months life seems pretty routine, nothing particularly memorable, or exciting. Just getting into bed to wake up again for same daily routine. And one third of 2011 has gone. Many of my colleagues, friends have gone on small holidays, some even big ones, like UK, Germany, for honeymoon-ish holiday. Sweet... =)

So finally managed to get an excuse to get away to somewhere, spend a little money just to break out of the mundane routine. But its truly worth it... even the beginning of the trip feels so different, staying overnite at the airport seeing different things. I mean alternatively i wud be staying awake at clubs or in my room. I mean i heart my room! But once a while, i love different things, makes life feel refreshing. (And this doesn't apply to bf! I wont change once in a while to be refreshed, i will just make him stay overnight at airport with me. Thats it. I swear!!)

Hopefully it will be a pleasant one!

Lastly, i thanked starbucks for operating 24/7 and making places like airport more condusive for overnights... I heart Starbucks. Muacks to u!

GoodNight

When I was a kid, I used to say good night to dad, mom and my little bro.

When I left for uni, basically there is no one to say it to. Okay, maybe to my roomie out of courtesy but that's like once or twice. Not a daily thing.

Then all the way until I met my ex. It was a call every night. Someone to say good night again, regularly. The feeling was really warm. Realy really heart-warming. Because there is this person who end the day together with you. We all know we may not be able to be side by side at that moment. But that's something bound to happen one day. We all believe.

Well, now it becomes something irregular again.

But have you ever thought how significant being able to say "Goodnight" every night is? Its something intimate, it meant there is someone close whom you want to say it to. Hoping he sleeps peacefully after this word.

Gonna be another "night" for me soon. Goodnight!

***************************************

Specially for Whizkid (if you are reading), wishing you a goodnight from Yoga Lin. ;)

Honeymoon

The 1st 100th day is sweet, the 2nd 100th day is endurance, the 3rd 100th day is doubt, if you made it through the 4th 100th day, you are very close to Forever. Cause JJ says,

"...管过多少100天也像刚热恋, 两个人手一牵连命运都改变, 当守护变信念连泪水都很甜..."




***************************************************************

Honeymoon seems to originate from the idea of celebrating the beginning of a marriage. In schools, the teacher calls the first quarter as honeymoon. In Uni, the Professors calls the 1st 1 or 2 week of a sem as honeymoon. In workplace, probably the first month.

It all implies that things are gonna get tougher after that period. And to think that it comes from a marriage seems to be say a lot about how people look at marriages in long term. Hmm...

For a gay couple though, honeymoon period refers to when you first got to know each other. When first look admiration is still there, when you still feel fresh and so much to discover about the other. When you are still very cautious with each other feelings. When you havent seen him farts or snores. When he hasn't throw temper at you. When all are still lovey-dovey.

It really seems a little different for a gay relationship. Cause we go through a get-together-then-get-to-know-each-other phase. Rather than the other way round which is more conventional in normal relationship.

I guess that's how that was called the honeymoon period. Sweet, then endurance, like marriage. Well, many didn't made it through the after, which could be a month, 3 months, a year or more. It depends how soon each is willing to acknowledge the difference. How much effort is put into adapting. And how realistic it is, to really make that effort. And if it is worth it.

Well, we know many didn't, because giving up always seems easier, and we always believe that there is probably someone more suitable out there. True statement? Like most lecturer says, there is no right answer. But, we also seen many happily together, still happy, and i believe they will go a long way. They deserved it.

Eleven Again

Just where i got the idea of the title. And to use the lengzai image.


Scene: MRT station exit
Person: 11 y/o little girl

***

One hand holding her mrt pass, the other hand on her cell, handsfree plug into her ears, she was obviously busy juggling with replying to whoever she is talking to and trying to tap her pass to exit the station.

"Can you please hold on, Gosh.." said the little girl in a I-am-busy tone while attempting to tapped her card while keeping the books balance on her other hand and holding on to the phone.

Finally she exited the station and saw her friend waiting, she attempted a gesture that prob says, give me a moment, i am on phone while also waving her to follow her.

*mumbling something into phone* ...end phone conversation.

"You know what?" little girl said excitedly to her friend

her friend's head moved in a 'nope' manner..

"my EX, he gave me a bday present last week" she said in an excited tone, "it was a ... he is... "

***

First the drama complicated feelings with an annoying guy, this week, an ex? bday present? 11 y/o life sure has gotten a lot more different since my days. I mean the first time i had an "ex" was when i was 24.. like wat, last year? Gosh..



**********

Just realize i was in office all the 7 days last week when someone asked me how was ur weekend. Definitely a first time for me...

Will you listen?

Speaking up and speaking one's mind out is encouraged, especially in asian's culture, where we tend to be more reserved. However, that's not so much the case in Singapore context, seems like everyone is very keen to tell everyone else what he/she thinks n its the all out kind of approach.

I personally was a typical shy boy back in Sec school. One great thing about studying here is I learn to speak up a lot. But stepping into the coorperate world, I realize to Listen is probably a more valuable trait than being able to speak. Be it work life or with your friends around. How often do we hold on our urge to tell, and listen attentively to what other's has to say?

You will probably be surprise how much harder it is to find someone who can listen properly. I mean just think how often you use this words on someone, stubborn, stupid, id**t, f**k*r, j*rk, <-- well obviously they ain't listening to you enough right?

And of course, bf are obliged to listen, but even they don't most of the time, right?

********************************

Listen, to the voice here in my heart...

Do you feel Lucky?

"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend"

As superficial as we can be sometimes (or lots of times), you cant deny this is what keep 2 hands holding on. A friend and more. That's truely Lucky.

*******************

Ever ask this question, "is he my best friend?" and what would the answer be?

Things You Never Knew

We all know honesty is the best policy. We also know there shouldn't be secret between couples. But yet, we know that in reality, no couples knows everything about the other person.

In some situations, its called a white lie. Where the truth is too painful or harsh to be known by the other, thus a better approach is to tell a lie. Though a personal experience says, if ur conscience will bother u, dun do it. There will always be a guilty feeling in u, so rather let it happen and aim for remedy. Else, u r good to go with this.

But we all know sometimes this can be abuse. Like cheating. U know it and ur friends beg u not to tell, cause its a one off. And he swears it will never happen again. Well, i wud say, "Bullshit!"

Another situation when a couple doesnt bout the other is when we dont know how we should tell the other person what we think or feel. A simple example, when we crave for more attention. Or we feel like we r being ignore. The solution should be as simple as, "hey, u hav been ignoring me a lot lately, i know u r busy but if u really care how hard is it to reply a msg?' Yet, knowing how fragile our relationship can be at times and bearing the word 'mature' on us. We just swallow that unpleasant feeling most of the time. A luckier couple prob wud hav a good frind to be the middle person and pass the msg on. Else it might end up as someone willing to give him more attention and we loose him for good. Things u never knew, things that are too late to know.


**********

Coming from lee hom, he definitely meant no bad intention, when he says this is something you never knew... 你不知道的事...



Its either him or JJ, i am happy with anyone of them..

Hong Kong - 07-11

During the K session with my bestie, we brought up the topic about HK trip again. I have kinda matched places in my mind like whom to go with and do what. Like

-HK-Shop-Bestie,
-Taiwan-gay/shopping-GayGang/Bestie,
-Bangkok-Gay-GayGang.

With my bestie, no doubt it has to be shopping. Reason being he UNDERSTANDS me. Yes, and its mutual, we always have something nice to say about each other apparel and we are always supportive to each other in convincing the other to buy something. Okay i know this sound shallow, like how hard it is to tell someone to buy? Well, the unique thing is we can always point out soemthing the other had in mind. That's the fun part.

The last time I was in HK was 2007 October. Great weather, and good company. Although it was a student days budget trip where 5 person squeezed in a room. But it was one of the most memorable trip I had. In fact u can see from the photos its actually a all lengzai/lenglui trip... (so self-deluded.. =p ). we went flew from Shanghai (where we did our internship) to shenzen, cross a bridge/custom and went into HK.

It was overall a free and easy...

*And well since Will says age is catching up and i wont get back the sharp chin, I decided to start dwelling in the past.. digging out old photos..

This is our trip to Ocean Park. That time the decision was between Disney and Ocean Park. Somehow Disney was voted out because its a long day thingy and we dun wanna spend so much time in one place.
Because of the long sleve and hair style, my friend told me a lady was whispering to her daughter (but loud enough for my friend to hear though =p) that I am a Japanese tourist. Maybe one day I should really sit down with my mom and ask seriously if there is any such blood line along the family.. Xp

Then this is the very classical photo which when i uploaded to Friendster (yes, not facebook back then) and my brother showed it to my mom and it lead to the kind of Mom-Son-erm-err-talk...
But that was before she met my ex.. which I think has now save me lots of such awkward moments, even i seem close to my colleague...

We also went to Macau, Wax-Museum, Kowloon, and one of my favourite, Bo-Hai Gai (Sports shoe-street) which has tonnes of great bargain on Nike, Addi, Puma etc... But i was told its gonna be taken down soon...

Almost 4 years have passed... Time really flies... Hopefully I will get to visit this place again soon.

******************************************

Of course one more thing I love about HK, food.

This is where dining in and taking away a Bo-Lo Bun cost 10HKD more. It was A LOT for a student back then.

City Boy

I don't like crowd. This can be interpreted as, when i see some crowds gather to watch a performance like say in the mall, I will be the first to walk in opposing direction. (Exceptions -no doubt- for clubs, countdown parties which u get to hug people.. especially gay events =p)

But the irony is i like people, and i dun mean alternative to animals, i mean in terms of living in a city like Singapore, where there a high volumes of people everywhere. I enjoy being one of the people walking in the crowded mall or train interchange. Enjoy the vibe of crowds around, each doing their own things... But no so much when i hav to wait for seats at eateries.. but well, its a trade off.

Beaches, small towns (like ipoh) are still very appealing to me.. especially after some major incidents. Those places are perfect places for healing a weary body or mind or even, a broken heart. But only for a short period to recharge. I still dun see myself fitting into those peaceful simple life, yet.

I was in this small city in US, Richmond, VA. That's the first city i lived in the US. The first question i posted on fb when i visited their so called downtown was, "where r the people!?". It was only when i was in New York City, when my dad took me to Time Square that finally i was yelling, "Yes!!! This is USA!!! Woohoo!!!!!" . Well, i mean i do enjoy the life in Richmond, quiet, spacious apartments, slow pace, but its too quiet.. City on the other hand is complicated, fast pace and pressurizing. But it gives u a kinda of drive, a kind of energy, youthful and vibrant feeling. Guess we can just never have the best of both worlds right?

I have a friend who is 3 year younger, to him, the ideal life is to have a stable job back in his hometown in Sabah. He doesnt find life in sg so attractive. Which makes me thinks its no so much about age either.. More of the person itself.

So there, a material boy, a City Boy.

Evasive

Given a choice of confrontation and avoidance, i think i am more of evasive personality. Though working life wud drive u to be more outspoken but generally i opt for subtle ways to go.

Was browsing for books in a bookstore today and came across the titles by Haruki Murakami. This was a book introduce to me by a friend, who, initially was very closed but something happen later that we didnt really keep in touch anymore. Because of that, despite it is a world reknown author, i just cudnt bring myself to buy it and read it. Cause i know it will remind me of him. Something which i dont wish to see any sooner..

Its kinda like when i just broke up with my ex, i feel so lost and affraid to go anywhere.. cause Singapore is just about that big. We hav been to pretty much every popular places together. The memory just comes hitting you no matter how hard you try to ignore. All the more some places have memories which hurts badly, seeing those scnenes over in ur head. I wanted to leave this country at one point of time. But reality reminds me i still hav my family to support. And think of it, it was that that keeps me going on, no matter how bad it felt...

Sometiems i do wish i was more of a cold hearted, decisive or confrontive kind of person.. and less emotional.. but really, these things seems to be something that comes naturally. I blame it to stupid Sagi!

********************

This week has ben really hectic, extra meeting for 3 days at off office hour... thanks god its MY friday... Yay... got 4 hour of sleep time before the next round! so Happy... ='(

This is so so so soothing.. all the weariness seems to healed... When will he be mine?

The Ex

Okay, the title is kinda misleading, Ex here actually refers to, Ex-Favourite Phone brand and the Ex-Cellphone Market Big Player. Nokia.

It was indeed my favourite and only phone brand. I always felt it was the smoothest user experience was with Nokia (well, at least true for till 5 years ago). But time changes, hardward no longer is the winning factor, rather the software in it. And it is not catching up fast enough with Google and Apple.

I was browsing at news and saw Nokia came up with these concepts phones. Well, not a bad strategy, i mean not everyone needs or use a smart phone. There are still other markets to go for and these are actually pretty fun-looking for mid-range prices phone.

- The Aroma Phone

Apart from the novelty that it doesn't have a hard-case body, it also emits aroma when u flip.. cool isn't it?

- Shape Shifter

Obviously this and the next selling point are morphing and shifting shapes into different things like watch, or some accessories.

Quite cool, but i prefer the Aroma phone design..

- Kinetic

Some movement oriented phone, basically stands up when it rings and if u dun wanna pick up push it down. Fun, but good enough only as deskphone replacement, i mean who want that chunk of thing below as mobile right?

Well, obviously they need creativity to beat iPhone and Android era now... I am still using nokia, but pretty determine to get the white unicorn iPhone 4 if it ever comes out... I mean how can a gay never try grindr at least once in his life? =p

********************************************

Okay, this is really an ex, N82-Dragonfly

I used to have a N82, it is definitely my favourite nokia phone. It may not be powerful compare to times like this, but it was definitely the best for its time. Great camera and fastest GPS i ever had experience with. And its plainly on GPS signal without 3G.

If they really make it, I might seriously consider getting it as secondary phone. Just like ex-es i guess... there will only be a chance to be taken back, when something has changed, more precisely has improved.

11 Year Old

How should 11 year old kids look like? I have a very traditional image of girls in short crop hair, dark blue skirt uniform with white shirt and with a bag, talking shyly about how annoying guys are among themselves. Occasionaly bickering with guys bout how annoying they are. Those are the times where we have the most gays and lesbians cause guys and girls are suppose to be on opposing site. If u attempt to talk to the opposite side you will be laughed and joke badly and being labelled as married to the girl, and the feeling is not sweet but rather, it feels like you have plague or soemthing.

So anyway, those were my days. This morning, as i was walking home from the train station, a high pitch voice came suddenly from behind. It feels like some machine-gun-speed blabbering and approaching. So i turn side way and saw these 2 girls around primary 4 or 5 walking past.

***

Girl: *..blabbering...*

The other girl nod,

Girl: "... i know he ... he is always... annoying.. dun like him..."

the other girl keep on listening and nodding,

Girl, **Big Sigh** (yes, she sigh dramatically)

Girl: ".. but I have to admit that i think he is nice... "

Girl took her phone out press rapidly, show the other girl, "there, u see"

***

Okay, i was quite tired so i didn't catch the whole conversation and it was too fast, but some facts,

-they are definitely below 12,

-they are using cellphones (different times),

-she sigh dramatically <- I mean what was that for!?? I dun have a bf now, do I sigh so loudly in the public? Huh!? Huh!? DO I?? U R ONLY 11!!!

-the use of "... I have to admit.." <-- gosh, do kids these days have to put up a fake facade in school, do they have primary-school-kids-classroom-politics nowadays that you can only confess to ur close friends when u r alone???

I really think kids these days are way complicated then when i was young. And they have lots of drama in them. I blame it to the TVs. Like how can 7 year old tease encourage his uncle to go chase the auntie and tell him she is a nice lady? But that happens in drama nowadays... =S

Maple Leaf

I was youtube-hopping and discover this song that seems pretty under-rated...



No doubt we know he is popular enough that even underated, it is with hundred of thousands of views, but yesterday was the first time I heard of this song and really start to appreciate it.

*****

And this reminds me of my uni days when I post my pictures on gay- social networking site and many would comment that I look like Jay Chou. So I took out my old hard-disk and look back at some old pics. I guess this is the one that many said I look like him,



And also... looking back at these old photos, i realize my face was actually sharper at one point of time...
Gosh, I am really fatter now... I should seriously start dieting.. =(

Facebook-Checkout

Tuls wrote an entry sometime back about identifying gay friends through mutual gay friends. Having quite a number of gay friends on my own friend list, that's definitely a useful method indeed.

Another advantage of having those gay friends is sometimes when you are facebook-hopping (clicking from links to links, friends' friends etc..) you would come across some guys who are like really really cute, handsome or sizzling hot. Then this thought occur to me one day that don't u wish someday Facebook and Ebay will form a partnership and do something like this,




Gosh, what kind of world would that be...

Touched

I remember mentioning a LDR story which the guy who is my uni mate and doing engineering here in Sg while his gf did medic in India. Then finally when it is almost time that he graduated and the gf has got a year to go, he got a PhD scholarship offer to UK. So distance just become further and further, the same for the time to be apart.

They seen each other like less than 5 times a year, but they make an effort to chat on webcam as much as possible. I remember the time we did internship in Shanghai, he always chat with his gf like on a daily basis. In fact there r times he seems moody and he told me they quarrelled.. but well they fight, and then they make up. Simple as that...

Reason I suddenly mentioned this was because i came accross this picture on fb the other day. And i was truly touched...



Beautiful no doubt, but knowing how hard it is for them to last those years and reached the moment where this picture was snapped, they have earned themselves a lot of applause. The determination, the commitment, the promised made and the will power to keep to it. The guy is a sporty and cute person, needless to say there must be girls who are into him all these years. Same goes for the gf, pretty and a good profession. I am sure the relationship will not be smooth all the way, there has to be disagreement, dissapointment, doubts by the distance, but the fact is they held on till this day.

So they truly deserved this beautiful moment they have together. Their love story is as beautiful as the picture itself.

******************

Come to think of it, I am already 7 years or more behind the time they had together. Not sure how many more. But if we are fortunate enough to meet that special one someday (or those who had already met) we shud really promise ourselves, (yes-to ourselves!) to not sway easily. The commitment will definitely pay off eventually. Just like the picture says, it will be more beautiful and worthy than we can imagine to be able to be the 2 person sitting there, its much much more than wat a random cute-handsome guy can give to u for a night...

-To the beautiful couple, Happy Forever...

Just the way you are

Recently Will's hubby make a little comment on my choice of guys when i kind of talk about boyfriends. We speak in canto so i am having a bit of trouble trying to pull out the original chat but generally he meant to say i was picky, some guys i met previously i find them too femminish, looks, build etc. etc.

Which is only partially true. Being not a body building fan myself, i exercise mainly to keep in acceptable shape and also because a big part due to I am still single.. (need to maintain the market value) thus i wont really aim for muscular guys. Experience tells me things happen both ways, thus expectation from others too. Which is why i am not particular bout muscular guys, just not overly skinny would be great.. (okay, this i admit i am kind of meat lover =p)

Secondly, looks, he think i like weird looking guys, which is not true, they just look different from the general boring korean/japanese/taiwanese cuties, but doesnt mean they are not charming in their unique way! so anyway, it depends on personal preference.

Lastly, feminish. This is a matter of preference. Being gay, there is prob a feminish side in us, but just how obvious or outwardly expressing it differs among us. But i prefer guyish guy.. just my preference.. no offend intend, we r born the way we r and lets be proud of it. V

Okay, this is almost becoming an entry about guys i like if not for this last part. The reason i wrote this is beause as oppose to wat KH says bout being choosy, i am simply quite sure of guys i wud admire. I have tried with guys who are very into me but i just dun feel the kind of affection i had on my ex. No sexual desire, no increase heartbeat, no little silly thoughts of looking at the phone waiting for his call and yet writing one simple sms over like 100 times to make sure ur thoughts is clearly delivered even if you just want to say good nite. and when u dun hav such feelings, typically it end up that after a while, i have to apologize and tell them i cant, cause it just doesnt feel right. I feel bad to have to tell it, but i know it feels even worse on them, hope being raised and then fall so hard. There are people whom i ilike but dun like me, the same happens. I know how painful it is, but yet knowing how they feel being in that position, i know its neither their fault. It just not the right match...

If i am really sure of someone, i know i wont hesitate much, else no point wasting other's people time. We r depriving their right to be loved and treasured, putting them in a back-up or 'tentative' position.

Thus i am being choosy, because i know i dont want to hurt another person with my uncertainty and doubts, the same way i dont like to get that kind of feeling from others. Its too painful, to like someone and yet not getting the reciprocal feeling. Evwn worse when he is 'trying' . experience says, try stuffing ur size 10 feet into a size 8 shoe.. I rather go with someone i know i will love him loyally and wont move even when someone even more ideal comes by. cause i am happy with him and i have no bouts to sway me.

********************

U like someone, because every little thing he does is funny/interesting to u. His smile will always be charming. He snores will always be cute. When he cries u feel it is ur fault for not cheering him, when he is silly, u just wanna hug him and kiss his cheek. His eyes are beautiful not matter its big or small, his nose is pointed at just the nice angle, his lips are forever kissable. Everything just feel right. Just Right as it is.

You would never want to change a thing about him. Cause he is amazing the way he is...


I guess that's simply why certain songs are classics...

Club-bing

I have to say one of the things i enjoy most when i go clubbing is the music, especially if a DJ is pro enough to play those top hits and classical hits back to back for say 3 hours, it would be perfect... and of course even better if u get hit up by some cute guys.. =p

So anyway last Saturday night, i was at Play, one of the few gay clubs around this little island. I swear the initial intention of asking my friend out was purely for dinner, then he was hinting if any "plans" after dinner (as if we would go to the library?). So i thought since i havent been there for a while why not?

And that night was... BORING. Okay, not many cute guys is one thing, no one hitting up is another. But the most unacceptable thing is LOUSY MUSIC!!! I mean like from midnight to almost 3, I think there are only about 5-6 songs that i feel really worth grooving along. I am gonna boycott this club for a while... grr... feels like i am better off to go sing K for the night.. Or even maybe going to the library and do my revision, my music player can probably do better than that DJ =s

**************************************

Though something to look forward is I finally managed to convinced a friend to go to KL gay club in late May!!! So happens he has a wedding on Sunday to attend and he plans to stay over at KL... So immediately i suggested that we shud go!

Really looking forward to it.. ^^



I know this is nothing close to new hit songs, but at least it is decent by club standard.. and they dun even have this all night. Is this acceptable?

Don't Laugh

On SMS...

***
Me: Hey... Sorry can't pick up the phone now... Call u in about 10 mins k? How about you go ahead and buy your stuffs first.

Bestie: Okay..

After she got her things..

Bestie: CP, i got my stuffs, where are u!??

Me: I am done too, lets meet at the MRT station k?

Bestie: k.

***

15 mins later, she saw me in the train station, and I saw her too.

Bestie: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cause she saw this..

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I was perming my hair and almost done when she texted me... So i thought i wanna give her a surprise. But actually I myself wanted to laugh too when my stylist finished and show me... cause it was too funny! And when we saw each other we broke down at the MRT station... both laughing like mad..

A Taiwanese fashion/stylist guru once says, a hair can really change a person's a lot. And I think I have to agree... Its just too funny even when I am looking at myself in mirror.. From total straight and smooth and flat to now, and it is even more "volume" now.. =p

And before was something like this,




**************************

Some iPhone apps effect from my bestie's phone..



Coincidentally we both permed and colored our hair recently, hers is long and red while mine is somewhat blondish..



I still think i look funny... but it was worth the try once in a lifetime.. haa..

Gay Roomies - Strikes Again

I suppose it is really normal that a gay household story dont just end with simply a hit on the chest.

So just another day, i was showering after work (which is like morning) and the hong kie housemate was preparing for work. He was in a rush and his wax was in the bathroom, so he asked if i cud past it to him and i say just come in and take (cause i was already comfortably in the hot water and all wet). So he did. In fact he was there waxing his hair and chatting while i shower. So that was the first time. You might wonder, hmm, so he saw everything!? which of course he didn't. Cause there is a divider-curtain thingy in between..

But like the chinese saying, when you r being nice and let these things happen once, the 2nd time pretty much just happens "naturally". "yat ci sang, liong ci sook". And it did. The same thing repeated a week later and this time he just woke up and came in to wash up. We chatted and after he was done he said,

HK: "I think i should shower too.."

Me: "Err, okay, i should be done soon. "

HK: "No dun worry, how bout i join u in there, so we can save time"

Me: "Huh!? hahaha.. " (trying to avoid the awkwardness so pretend he was joking)

HK: "I am serious, i come in and join u k?"

Me: "err.., actually its okay, i am done soon. U can use the shower"

knowing that's a NO, he gave up,

HK: "Oo, okay lo.." *act chill and left*


**********

So yup, cant be too 'easy' all the time, it might give wrong msgs.. but living in a gay household is still interesting, u can always see strangers walking into ur housemate's room. Just the other day, a muscular guy walked into the hong kies's room just while i stepped out, bod is hot for sure (singlet, visible biceps and triceps, tanned), face didnt manage to catch a glimpse though.. but that was good enuf to make me anticipate some screaming from next door.. but too bad, didnt happen..



But still, i love this place...

Letting Go

What do u do to gifts that are from ur ex?

Well, for someone who is emo and cling on to things, i tend to keep it as long as I can. Especially some of the things that are significant, that makes you remember certain things he did for u, or a surprise, or a touching moment...But for people who are decisive or had a bad rs.. i guess it prob goes to the junk the next day.

So this time round, moving to my new place, there just seems to be too many things to move, and doing it alone, i cant help but to throw some away.

I was still really hesitant and reluctant even though a year had passed. Especially the packet of cookies. Obviously it is way passed its expiry date. But it was one of the very few yet most romantic things he did. It was an apology for being fierce to me and he wrote it on the packing, with a sad face smiley. It still reminds me of when u truly like someone, it doesnt matter how badly he hurts you, but the moment he apologize, every unhappy feeling just vanish... maybe it was blind, maybe thats when love makes you generous... but either way, the happiness is real.

But its really time to let go i guess. If it were really meant to be, it doesnt matter if i have the pack of cookie. If it werent meant to be, keeping it wont make any differences either..

********************

This was a gift that i had never even took it out from the plastic bag, but i am really not good at maintaining plush toys...



So i left it in the living room with the note. Hopefully some housemate will buy the little joke and adopt it..

Grateful

It's Sunday 5am, waking up in the middle of the nite no matter how tired i was previously seems to have been something usual since I started working US hour ~ nocturnal life.

I look outside my window and there is the morning mist that forms outside the window, partly because of the aircon in my room and also the height of the room. Suddenly i feel so grateful, that I actually have managed to get this comfortable place for myself. No more worries about plugging an earphone to watch youtube. No more having to move quietly in the night and cant turn on the light whenever i need it. It makes all the night work feel so much relief now...

I actually still feel so thrilled about this place.. A place that's close to what i feel like a home in Singapore.. Finally after all these years.

I guess the only thing I could wish for more now is probably, someone to share this homey feeling with... My home, in the Lion City...

What is Rape?

The lecturer was talking about "Marital Rape", so he asked,

"what is marital rape?"

class was sient...

Then the lecturer said,

"Now, we are all adults here, and we shud be feel open to discuss about topics like this,"

being encouraged by this, a student answered,

"Forced Entrance!"

Everyone was stunned, and obviously trying to hold their laughs..

Lecturer: "So, u mean if someone doesnt let u in their house, and u forced ur way thru the door, that's marital rape?"

The whole class erupt with laughter.. I was laughing out loud too..OMG... that was so descriptive.. LOL..

But like KH says.. he is not wrong too.. Well yea, given the nature of the shape, it seems to need an 'entrance' motion for that.. =p

Tall-er

I want to grow taller!!!!!

*****

I know this sounds totally childish and superficial and shallow... but sometimes i really wish i were taller.. 10 - 15cm can make so much of difference.

Benefits of taller:
-Easier to get spotted in clubs
-Can lend a shoulder to others more easily
-looks intimidating, or if good looking, the charming effect will be 10 times greater
-Potential to work out into "hot" guys..
-Taller people just look better.. is like girls being fair skin..
-Can reach for higher cabinet easier

Drawbacks:
-None

Just random rant... sigh...

1k worth of Bears

I was never quite a plush toy person, but the other day when i saw this ad, for some reason i hav a urge to get it..



I guess i was attracted to the different Major cities each represents (NY, London, Paris, Milan, Tokyo..) and the colorful clothes designs. (I mean i am not even sure what is Paddington)

But, 5 dollar for a stamp, 10 stamps for a bear, and 8 bears.. which means 400bucks in total. (although u also get 400bucks worth of 7-11 stuffs but..) close to 1k ringgit for that 8 bears.. =s

Collector items and limited edition stuffs are pure evil!!!

100% Lover

A story i came across when I was blog hopping, (rough english translation below)

**********

『從前從前，有一個地方，有一位少年和一位少女。少年十八歲，少女十六歲。少年並不怎麼俊，少女也不怎麼漂亮。是任何地方都有的孤獨而平凡的少年和少女。不過他們都堅決地相信，在這世界上的某個地方，一定有一位100%跟自己相配的少女和少年。
有一天，兩個人在街角偶然遇見了。
「好奇怪呀！我一直都在找妳，也許妳不會相信，不過妳對我來說，正是100%的女孩子呢。」少年對少女說。
少女對少年說：「你對我來說才正是100%的男孩子呢。一切的一切都跟我想像的一模一樣。簡直像在做夢嘛。」
兩個人在公園的長椅上坐下好像有永遠談不完的話，一直談下去，兩個人再也不孤獨了。追求100%的對象，被100%的對象追求，是一件多麼美妙的事啊！ 可是兩個人心裡，卻閃現一點點的疑慮，就那麼一點點－－－夢想就那麼簡單地實現，是不是一件好事呢？
談話忽然中斷的時候，少年這麼說道：「讓我們再試一次看看。如果我們兩個真的是100%的情侶的話，將來一定還會在某個地方再相遇，而且下次見面的時候，如果互相還覺得對方是100%的話，那麼我們馬上就結婚，妳看怎麼樣？」
「好哇。」少女說。
於是兩個人就分手了。其實說真的，實在沒有任何需要考驗的地方：因為他們是名副其實100%的情侶，而且命運的波濤是註定要捉弄有情人的。
就這樣少年長成三十二歲，少女也有三十歲了。時光以驚人的速度流逝而過。
於是在一個四月的晴朗早晨，少年為了喝一杯Morning Service的咖啡，而在原宿一條巷子裡，由東向西走去，兩個人在巷子正中央擦肩而過，失去的記憶的微弱之光，瞬間在兩人心中一閃。
她對我來說，「正是100%的女孩呀！」
他對我而言，「真是100%的男孩啊！」
可是他們記憶之光太微弱了，他們的聲音再也不像十四年前那麼清澈了，兩個人一語不發地擦肩而過，就這樣消失到人群裡去了。
你不覺得很悲哀嗎？我真應該這樣向她開口表白的啊！』

**********

This if i am not too mistaken is a short story from a famous Japanese author. Normally when i feel like sharing a story on my blog, i would do some simple translation and post it. But this article is really interesting and i dun think i can translate it properly, but for the English educated folks, (or Bananas as my friend once call KH so directly =p ), the story basically says,

~Once there was a guy (18) and a girl (16) who are both not particularly outstanding in looks or anything, but both believed that there is a 100% guy/girl that matches themselves somewhere in this world. So one day they met on street, and immediately they knew and realize it and both told each other "you are exactly like the 100% guy/girl i imagine". They clicked on really well, except for one little doubt, that this is too easy. So they decided they will part, as if they were 100% meant for each other, they believe they will meet again. 14 years passed, and they met again on street one day. Immediately in their heart, a voice says "this is the 100% guy/girl for me" but neither cud remember each other, and after 14 years, neither has the impulse as how they used to. 5hey didnt say a word, but simply crossed each other and went on.~



3 things,

-Real life experience has thought us good things never come too easily, but wat if u r that lucky? Is too good to be true means we shudnt take it?

-Right time at the right place and with the right person, i always believe thats how things will work. The story above for example, they met too early for the first time, when they thought it was too easy, imagine if they have a few years of fruitless search, i bet they wud jump on each other immediately. The second time, they were too grown up, where life has thought them too be reserved, and not act on impulse. Think of this, and our gay experience, when we first came into the circle, we imagine all sorts of beautiful love story, we tell someone we just met we had never or only sleep with 1 person and being proud of it. Then years down the road, we see more, we try and failed, and some people start to be reserved, to protect they already worn heart from further harm. They dun easily fall for someone, they let others make a move, or evn 20 moves before they make a step forward. Some dun even believe in it. As some calls it, jaded... What if that person is indeed the right person? But u simply make him feel he is not..

-Lastly, 100% lover, perfect in the eyes of beholder, well, realistically speaking, they never been together before so it seems to be 100% on the superficial side. For me, 100% shud be what u bring to the other, or u compliment ur lover in everyway, that makes it 100% lover. No one is perfect, but u love him for who he is, and u are willing to cover him for what he is lack of. That is 100% perfect lover. And it doesnt always hav to be 50-50.

Blue

Scene: In the lift
People: Me, Little girl (L), her dad (D), her mom (M)

D: what is the color of kor kor's shoe? (asking L)

L: shoooee..

M: Can you tell mommy what is the color xx (xx-L's name)

L: Bluuueee..

Me: (turn to the family, then look at the little girl and smile sweetly, like how a friendly young neighbour shud)

D: is it nice? is the blue shoe beautiful?

Me: (Smile at the little girl again, encouraging her to repeat the last words like how kids shud when the parents are teaching them words, and also daring her to say otherwise, i mean of course its beautiful, dad, i mean her dad must mean that right?)

L: Bluuueee.. (pointing at her dad's sleeper which is blue stripe)

okay, so conclusion:

1. this girl knows what is blue color (or she is a quick learner and obervant)
2. she is a show-off kind of girl (can't wait to point out something else she noticed is blue)
3. she has zero fashion sense, prob an engineer or lawyer or doctor material but and have a closet full of black suits only and cant wear heels (cause she never manage to justify the beautiful pair of blue shoes and was ignorant bout it, i mean do u get see that everyday?)

********************

K, so here it is,



This is one of the 5 pairs i bought without much thinking during my US trip. Good bargain no doubt, but i havent actually used it till yesterday cause,

1. I have 3 pairs to rotate, which is like quite a lot since i mostly use it only for weekends,

2. Too flashy.

Well, not that i mind point 2 since i enjoy other people looking at me and that was the whole point of buying it.. =p ; but i just thought it might be challenging to match the right outfit.

But yesterday it was so hot that i decided i wont wear jeans, my shorts is in checkered blue print, so it seems thats the only pair of shoes that will work (else slippers, but i need to walk a bit, so not ideal).

Surprisingly, (or maybe it shudnt be?) a lot of people actually looked and even talked about it. When i was on the bus, or walking in the mall, when i was getting my hair colored ( and my bestie was getting his haircut and the stylist was asking him bout my shoes) then at kim gary, the uncle next table keep glancing at me top to bottom (cud be the newly colored hair and the shoes, too loud either of it, okay the shoe is louder maybe =p ) and then the zero-fashion-sense little girl when i headed home later that nite.

I think i am starting to like it a lot..

Simple

When I was scrolling on my own blog today i realize how empty it looks, as in my side bar, I dun have visitor counter/tracker, I dun link other blogs although I do enjoy reading them a lot and definitely more than happy to introduce to newbies who hasn't discover them yet, or polls, shoutbox, etc. etc..

The reason was quite simple, that was my initial intention of starting this blog. Which is to tell a person about whats happening in my life. Because we agree to not contact each other. So i try to let him know I have started a blog, and he did eventually found out about it.

I still remember how I purposely made my changing job sounds like I am just resigning, without mentioning the new job. I know i was cheating, I was trying to trick him to call me, to ask me himself. But somehow he got his bestie to make up some reason and call me to ask about if there is any job recommendation for her friend in my company.

And then Leu or L2 discover my blog, it was from his blog that I expanded to knowing more bloggers, William, Sky and eventually a whole group of friends because of Will's hubby.. something I never really foresee..

So I guess, the whole blog, was just meant to record part of my life, and telling the person who cares. It was at one point a truly relief, times where u had the phone in ur palm, the number dialed, and only just a click away from calling to that person. Yet you know you shouldn't. It's a promise. And now, it may or may not be the same person anymore, but I decided to keep it the way it was.

******************************************

My favourite song, and finally they made a MV of it...



I really dun mind marrying him, even if he didn't have those abs he flaunt so much lately.

Office Cool Stuffs

This maybe something very common for people in the management level especially those in MNCs, but it was the first time for "sua-ku" people like me so i was like really excited over it.. we did Telepresence, which means I am on TV!!!

Okay, thats just literally correct. I am indeed on TV but its not a public broadcast, simply to all our folks in various places in US,



Basically the setup is like above, 3 monitors to broadcast up to like from 3 different places accross the globe. I thought it was so cool! and best part of it, u dun have to manually swtich to whoever is speaking. If u want the camera on u, just swtich on the mic and the camera will detect which one has voice coming and thus focus on it. And its crystal clear.. even for us working in the tech field, we r all "wow-ing" over it.. Its definitely fun stuffs!



And i decided to cut my hair just to look tidy for this ocassion.. bye to long hair, and my pony tail.. =(

Finger Pointing

I guess if one has blog-hopped enough, it would be pretty impossible to miss Tuls's recent entry which generated some kind of "comment-war", last i saw was 40+ but i am sure it grew on.

Blog is basically some online diary, for a detail wiki definition you may actually checkout Takashi latest entry (coincidentally Takashi wrote on this too, like a thousand word essay, since he is one of those being accused =p ) In that sense, everyone has the right to write whatever they believe in, which really goes without saying.

This is not so much about spreading the right ideology or a proper way to lead a gay life, or healthy life. Its a blog, not a what-u-shud-do-as-a-gay educational site. The first thought that came to my mind when I read about the comment that started all it was, nope, it doesnt make sense. Simply because i believe if a person actually reads a blog, he probably shud have read enough of other stuffs to tell wat's right and wat's wrong. Just a simple example, there are many bloggers who talk about their own healthy relationship lifestyle, why doesnt that gives an impression of looking for a proper bf and not fooling around? It is merely a personal choice if u ask me, one own lust, desire, and his own mentality. (Then again, i am not saying the poor kid ask for what happened, obviously he has been badly taken advantage of... but i dun think its so much because of what blogger writes either)

And if blogger were to blame for causing that kind of gay lifestyle, then the author and producer of "Sex and the City" shud be hanged cause the book not only talk openly about random sex, but drugs, sex trade for money and even relate them to luxurious life. Guilty?

Sickening

My mom hardly called me directly. Most of the time she would ask my bro to text me to call home, since she doesnt know how to use idd cards. So when she actually does it, it means something is really urgent. Today, she called. Directly.

Immediately i called back cause such incidents always makes me worry something unpleasant might have happened. It turns out she wanted to give me a heads up on a potential call from my uncle, to ask for money.

***

My family is the least financially able among the other uncles or aunts. I wouldnt go to the extent of saying poor, but my dad has to leave the country for 10 years plus to clear off some debts and make ends meet. So all these years, we were taught and brought up without much luxury or over comfortable life. No holidays, no living in pricey hotels, hardly buying clothes thats not on discount, never bother looking at restaurants in shopping malls etc.. Even sometimes when dad send us some gifts such as handheld consoles, mom wud ask us to not use it in front of other cousins, cause she doesnt want others to think we are living a comfortable life, as they r still in some debts to them.

So, because of that, every now and then whenever I got good resulsts in the govrn exams, all my aunts and uncles wud give me some pockt money. Especially this particular uncle who is a bank manager, he is addicted to gambling, so whenever he is in luck and win like ten of thousands (which shows how heavily he is betting) he would giv us some pocket money, 50 to 100. and also gives my mom money, partly to help my family and also partly because my mom would always help to babysit his children since both the couple are working.

All the way until i made it to uni, i got my own scholarship, i start to refused taking money from them. Cause as i grew older, i understand they never really gave it sincerely, it was more like just one of the kids (probably the only one) who made it to newspaper now and then, so its a formality to give. And also, because they r "helping" my family, they always speak with zero respect for my parents, one uncle once said this,

"If u gave her money, xx sure will want.." xx refers to my mom, that was when they have a dispute over my grandma's asset when she passed away.

I swear to myself i will never ever respect this person again.

So ever since i started working, i never hide how much i am willing to splash on my brother or my mom. My ex once commented i change a lot, i didnt realize myself but i guess thats in a way making up for myself. That i can enjoy whatever i want and i earn every single thing by myself. The same for my brother, my mom, i felt like i want them to be able to enjoy life too, to spnd hundred bucks at restaurant once in a while, to be able to buy something you like. cause I earned this all by myself, and we have every right to live a better life like everyone else.

***

Though, i never quite see this coming. My uncle, who is a gambling addict, seems to have gone too far lately, geetting himself in debt despite the hundred thousands of penchant he has. So he came to my mom, asking her for RM 7k, he says those are the money he has given her all these years and wanted it back. He even told his wife that my mom "borrowed" from him and his wife came and ask my mom for it. When my mom told him thats ridiculous and how can she get that amount of money in such short notice, he questioned my mom like

"You can afford to go to Bangkok for holiday and you tell me you have no money?"

Like i said, how would i have foreseen, a holiay to take my mom out of the country for the first time in more than 10 years, and a holiday to bring my brother on flight for the first time in his life, could have been used as a reason to repay "debt"

He even threatened to call me up for the money if my mom refuse to give him the money. Which is why my mom panic and called me up first. Talk about loan shark. And he is her own blood related brother.

If my uncle calls, he wont get anything from me, simply because the way he put it. Though I told mom that if his wife too insist after she tells her the real story, i can pay it. But that shud be pretty much the last time we r talking to them. I am just concerned my mom has to deal with this alone.

A brother, a beggar, a robber, suddenly they seems related.

This was the first thing i heard in the day. Its probably one of the most sickening day in my life to start with. I actually feel like puking whenever i think of it.