Counting years

I am 24 years and 21 days old.

When I was 17 I was still a 82 kg fat boy who have 0 self-confidence. At that time, all i know is to be polite and always smile, so others wont hate you (at least). When I was 18, I saw someone from gay.com. We chatted, but at that time i didn't dare to show my picture and obviously very handsome. I felt extremely low and ashamed of myself. So from that very day. I made up my mine I will go on diet and I stop eating rice that nite. Probably scare my mom i guess, but i made up reason that it was for health reason..

Seems stupid isn't it? It is just someone from the virtual world, hardly any chance. But surprisingly, I was determined than I ever was. Within 6 months, I lost almost 20kg. And another 1 year before my face shape become like how it is now. It was the most difficult 1 and a half year in my life i guess. 15 years worth of exercise and diet all cramp into this period.

I did see him again, and he really is interested with my photo. (sigh.. how vain is that...) But still, virtual world is always virtual world, especially he is not interested in kids... ( which i wonder has affected my preference too now.. i avoid guys younger.. ) Nothing really happen. But I gain a lot, really a lot.

Then it was 20 my uni started. On the very first day I joined, many seniors were talking about my looks in front and behind of me, which i am of course secretly very happy =P . It kinda make me more confident then.. But still being a foreigner here, I didn't really know about all these gay sites, and never really manage to make friends not to mention encounters. So that's my 19 year old.. trying to live in a new environment alone.. That was also when I begin to be affraid of being alone. Without my family, without my best friends... Even till now, I still hate the feeling to be alone..

When I was 21, I met another guy online again (never ever trust virtual love, they are all fake) i was dumb enough to be fool and played around for 1 and a half year to only give up eventually because of all the fake things that I Have had enough.

Then it I was 22 when I decided to go Shanghai for internship, partly to forget about the virtual person that I actually felt upset for.. And it was one of the most crazy 6 months of my life.. in terms of gay life.. well, in a relatively manner i mean, to what I had in singapore and malaysia..

Then I was 23 and back in Singapore. I met a first person, who adores me to the extent that he dare not look directly at my face. I kinda enjoy the being admire and thought why not? But seems like if you dun like soemone, u never would treasure, which I eventually suggested to break up, true enough, I was really mean back then, to hurt someone like that. Maybe there is really Karma..

The very same year, towards the end of year, I met another person, whom I thought have a lot in common because we are both foreigners on this foreign land. But still eventually when one has doubt, it only hurts the other more... until I decided to move on, but the difference was, I wasn't the one who gave up. Maybe karma is really there, he came back eventually, asking me to forgive him... sending message after messages to ask us to be together again despite I have shut his call, ignore his messages for so many times. Of course that time I was already with Someone, except, it was about the same time I was being "doubted" again... It just make me feel even more irritated when he ask us to be together again. I guess that time I was venting my anger for Someone on him, because he did the samething once, and now he is asking for forgiveness. Why cant he has made up his mind at that point? Except, unlike with Someone, we had almost no happy moments together, all i can remember is how soon he promise to be together, how soon he regreted it. We never even get to be together for a short while and I was given almost no priority in his life.. So that's the end...

Finally, shortly after my 23 yo bday, I met Someone. I still remember writing on my MSN as my best Christmas ever. Which was true. If someone were to ask me, who was my first love, I will have no doubt answering is YOU...

Except there is really a different in our perspective, the way we want life to be, the way we have different expectations towards love and relationship. I still seek passionate love, the kind u can give everything for each other. But you have reach another level, where your career, your wealth, yourself are the priorities in your life.. It is really no one's fault, probably just like what you once said, maybe soemthing are just not meant to be...

So now I am, 24 years and 21 days old, I still look forward to have a relationship that is passionate and romantic like all young people deserve to have..

I wish, this wont be just a fantasy in 2010...

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For now, I will just love JJ...